Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Year of the Snake Fatimus whoops I mean Optimus Prime Review

I am a Fat man. I don't mean Phat (is that even a word anymore?) I mean Fat. I like my food like I like my women with a little heft to them. So when I saw an Optimus Prime action figure that was a little chunky and with boobs larger than mine I knew it was a must get. So let's check out Fattimus Prime "Year of the Snake" Edition!!

Fattimus Prime is a recolored rendition of Transformers Energon Optimus Prime. What is year of the Snake you ask? Well Takara/ Tomy and Hasbro decided to rehash certain figures to well.... line their pockets. Every year they come out with a new Year of Something horribly recolored figure(s) to coincide with the Chinese Zodiac of that year.

The Snake occupies the sixth position in the Chinese Zodiac. The 12 zodiac animals are, in order: Rat, Ox, Tiger, Rabbit, Dragon, Snake, Goat, Monkey, Rooster, Dog, and Pig. Each year is related to a Chinese zodiac animal according to the 12-year-cycle.

So let's check this chubby tubby figure out, shall we?


While trying to figure out what dang truck this Prime is I found this quote:

"Super class Energon Optimus Prime transforms into a Cybertronic short-nosed truck cab."

Now my dad was a truck driver for a very long time and I have never ever seen a truck like this. Ever, Ever? Ever Ever Ms Jackson. I ams for real...Never meant to make your daughter cry.... Whoa! A.D.D.  kicked in for a second there. Back to point.. when I read that line it hit me as :

"We don't know what the bleeping **** he is. Lets just go with Cybertronic truck. Yeah that's it. Sounds good go with it"

He is a truck (and I use that term loosely) with a very large windshield and a truck body smaller than the width of said windshield. So I am thinking the designer must have never googled the word truck or seen any of Optimus Prime's prior modes before designing this figure. In the end its an ugly fugly truck that is not realistic in any way.  Add in his trailer that opens upwards and well fail is all over this design. And yes I know it can be stood up on its back. But honestly could you imagine doing that in real life. Can Ya? I can just imagine his drill drone being launched upwards and heading right straight back down onto the trailer. So Cybertronic truck it is.

Uhh Prime, I don't think this right?

Go! Go! Power Rangers.... Uhhhhh Awkward!

My Lumps! My Lumps!

What do you mean we are out of windshield wiper fluid again?
That's the fifth time today!!

I do NOT look like a strangled mobile skating ramp!

(No the US Government is not watching you. But they do love the new furniture in the your bedroom )

Optimus comes with 4 drones that become his arms and legs in "Super Duper Look at Me" mode. They consist of

Sooper Brown Drill Drone!!

 I have no idea why they went with brown on this one since the lucky colors for year of the snake is Red, Black and Yellow.But this thing is brown and not an appealing brown either. They did paint the spinning front drill silver. Unfortunately they forgot to paint the windshield on the vehicle. How are the poor tiny people that drive this thing supposed to see?"

Please don't scream too loud if I hit your gums... It will only hurt for a second.

Sooper Black Helichopper Drone!!!

This drone is one of the cooler colored ones. The black body with blue windows and silver highlights work. It also has a big yellow spot. That used to be where the drone numbers on the original release were. Now I think it was done to have the lucky Yellow color. The blades on this vehicle do spin but now for very long. The tail of the helicopter also feels like an after thought.

After Airwolf was cancelled, the star of the show found a new gig.

Sooper Grey Boat uhh Submarine uhh Space ship....  uhhh looking thing.. What the hell is it  Drone

Now I am told it is a submarine but this thing has a giant claw connected to it's under body. I have to wonder how the hell would that work under water? Add in the fact that most of prime's battles are on the ground or in space and this is a pretty useless drone. Well useless for most of the time. Don't worry buddy one day Megatron will be fighting Aquaman and you will be called up to duty!! We promise. Whoops forgot to say he is grey, red and uhh yellow.

Hey!  Who let this guy in? This isn't Voltron!  Uhhh, well, close enough I guess...

Sooper Red Fire Truck Drone

So, Elita One , I heard you have a little fire burning?

 This drone makes more sense than the others. It is a red Fire Truck with a ladder that goes up and down and extends out. It looks right. Now in reality, based on the size they are next to Prime's is way too small and can only probably save small kittens and squirrels. But honestly who wants to save the gangsters of the forest also known as squirrels.

Youse Got a problem with us?

 I get the drones . I do. But really? Why choose these vehicles? Who the hell can they save? They are too dang small compared to the funky chunky monkey truck. They make no sense. The designer already created a "Cybertronian" truck.  Why not create some...oh, I don't know, some "Cybertronian" drones? Something that can not be connected visually to a human made vehicle that carries uhhhhh Humans. Look Mr. or Mrs. designer we all don't fit into smart cars and not all cars are smart cars. We need elbow space!

One size fits all my ass!


Yeah baby move those hips!! Oh dam is that you Optimus Prime? Nice uhh birthing hips and when did you get a boob job?

 What can I write. What can I write? ... Energon Prime recolored into G1 colors?  Now the visual feel of this aspect is uhh off to say the least. Between the large window chest and wide waist it feels like a female robot version of Kim Kardashian. Heck he even has her skinny legs.

Breaking News!! Kim tells all!! 
I was the inspiration behind this figure!!

Really!! Couldn't have just stalked her like normal folks Mr. Designer?

Twins right?!?! After playing with this figure you could see that the figure was limited on purpose so that it could form it's super mode. While it has articulation, it's hindered due to the large, oversized albeit sexy body of the toy.

Aim for the Stars!

Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooperrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr MODE!!!!

 So it all leads into this!! The super slick super sexy God Mode oh wait I mean Sooper Fatimus Prime Mode!!

Run in Fear Decepticons!!

Ok let's do it!!  Wait, is that it?" No seriously where is the dang Sooper Dooper I love ravioli Mode? Stop playing with my emotions!!  Uhh, so...this is, well, it. Now I know I am supposed to have his chest windows opened up but it looks silly. It really does. He already has big window boobs does he really need a large target on his chest? The figure does have some good articulation. But the look is so off. It feels like something my 6 year old nephew would have colored. And he painted Spider-man green, red, blue, yellow, orange and pink. You know like that crappy picture you have on your refrigerator door where every part of the character on the page is a different color like some weird Frankenstein monster. Except Dr. Frankenstein picked a more uniform look for his monster. Hell even Voltron and the Megazords are a little more sensible color wise. And that's saying a lot right there in that comment.

Walk this way!!

Fist Bump? 
Ok , I think we can both use a fist bump at this moment.


 Hmm what can I say here.... It's a cool enough figure.... It just look all types of wrong. As the great Davestator said to me

"That figure always did look like they were ripping off the Power Rangers to me."

And I agree. It feels like this figure is trying to steal so many aspects from other lines in the hopes it will sell better this time around. They added the tag line to it "Year of the Snake" to peak interest. It doesn't work. If they had made it more uniform color choice this figure could have worked. This figure is one that really needs Dr. Woo upgrade parts that match the main body. It's just not enough effort wise on this Autobot. Add in the huge price increase and this figure just screams FAIL all the way around!! Easy Pass.

I have the Power!!

That's my line, bitch!!

Because a bladed arm is always useful

Hurry we need to get ready for the next review.

I SAID....I do NOT look like a strangled mobile skating ramp!

And here Cheney thought I was a goofball!

George, Dude you are a goofball!!